Learning To Notice Thoughts Without Obeying Them

There is a difference between having a thought and agreeing with it. Most of us collapse those into one.

A thought appears: “I’m unlovable.”

And immediately, it feels true. Not like a passing mental event, but like a description of who you are.

Friends, that is not the only option. One of the most practical psychological skills we teach is surprisingly simple:

Add the phrase, “I’m having the thought that…”

Instead of: 

“I’m a burden.”

Try:

“I’m having the thought that I’m a burden.”

It’s subtle. Almost unimpressive. But it changes everything.

That small shift creates distance between you and the thought. It reminds you that a thought is something your mind is producing, not something you are required to accept as identity. You cannot examine a thought you are fused to. You have to step slightly outside it in order to take it captive.

And that space matters.

On more than one occasion, I’ve faced difficult circumstances that I helped create. We’ve all been there. I stayed up too late watching Netflix, and the next day I’m tired and irritable. I snapped at a friend and watched the hurt sweep across her face. I dropped the ball on something I said I would do.

In those moments, my thoughts have gone quickly to:

“I’m a failure.”
“I’m not enough.”

If I treat those thoughts as fact, I spiral. And fast.

Shame piles on. My posture changes. I withdraw. I over-apologize. I replay the moment on repeat. The thought becomes a verdict.

But I can practice noticing instead.

“I’m having the thought that I’m not enough.”

Now there’s space.

From there, I get to explore where that thought is coming from. Maybe I’m exhausted. Maybe I’ve overcommitted. Maybe an old insecurity was triggered. My mind is trying to make sense of discomfort. It is communicating something important.

But it is not delivering a final judgment on my worth.

There’s also something else hidden inside those harsh thoughts: my values.

If I feel terrible about snapping at a friend, it’s because I value kindness and connection. If I’m frustrated with myself for being irritable, it’s because I care about being steady and present. If I’m disappointed that I didn’t honor a commitment, it’s because integrity matters to me.

The pain reveals what I love.

And once I can see that clearly, I can respond differently.

“I can repair this with my friend. This moment doesn’t define me.”
“I was tired. I can choose better rest tonight.”
“I made a mistake. I can make it right.”

Notice what’s happening here. The thought isn’t suppressed. It isn’t denied. It’s examined.

And that examination restores our agency.

You can experience a thought without acting on it. You can feel shame without collapsing into it. You can feel anger without sending the text. You can feel fear without quitting the job.

Before you act on a thought, examine it.

Noticing creates choice.

And choice restores dignity.